Dear deer,
I doe you don't like it 
When I'm out with the guys
But hear me out - 
As to me it’s clear:
That I done what I done 
With the lads for you dear.

We started at daybreak 
- you might have heard us 
Coz Dave blows like a trumpet
And Baz tried to herd us
But we locked horns on that
Coz that prick thought -
Thought it'd be a lark
If the five of us jumped 
the gate to the park
I said “no way!” - I did it’s the truth,
But those bellends 
are lowing and thinking on the hoof.
And what do you know
But Baz steps back
And Charlie charges
Full-tilt clicketyclack 
Clang! Smack! Near breaks his back
Vaults right onto a twist
- you know? Ornate and hooked?
And we weren't even pissed!
Still, Baz is laughing 
And pawing the mud
While Charlie's squatting there
Flank's all matted with blood
And he says, he says
“Don't even think about ripping the piss
Coz I'm not being funny guys
but I'll have to give this a miss.”

So we goes on, the four of us then
Dave, Baz, me and Steve
We graze a bit and then
Like - seconds later - he starts to heave
And we're all there wondering
“Mate, Stevie, what's up with you?”
And he's shivering and coughing
And starts shitting too!
I kid you not! Like torrents it was
We're going “that's nasty bruv”
And he jokes - “I could murder a curry 
but I'm telling you guys - avoid the fox glove!”
So we only leave him behind too
With some nettles and dock 
See I'm a caring deer even though
He's, well, a bit of a cock.

Some shitty morning 
That shaped up to be
A little more grazing 
And gouging a tree
Dear hart, I really don't know 
Why they fucking started
Maybe coz they was bored
But Baz did what he does - tail up, farted
Right in Dave's face
Who wasn't best pleased
And ducked his head forward
Brought Baz to his knees
And boy oh boy did baz sing
With a hoof's length of horn 
Stuck up his ring

So maybe you're right deer
That it's not all that great
That they're more fawns than stags
But come on; they're my mates!
You love putting your hooves up 
Having quality time with our son
- and wiv me out the house
you can the washing done
- sides it's just you and me now
And I'm at my peak
So do you fancy a rut?
I'll do you now 
and see the lads next week.